DEAR BUBBA

Tom writes a column for the Oxford So and So Magazine called Dear Bubba. Here a few of the letters he's had to tackle.

Dear Bubba,

There seems to be a lot more folks coming down here to live than ever before. I, for one, don’t blame them for leaving all that crime and snow behind but why do they try to imitate our Southern drawl? We can tell right off they ain’t from around here, especially when they say “you all” for “y’all.” Why don’t we print up some brochures about how to talk and pass them out at welcome stations? There ain’t nothing more pitiful than listening to someone from Boston trying to cover up their Back Bay accent with an imitation of ours.

Signed,

J.C. from Indianola

Dear J.C.,

Northern folks can’t help it if they are stuck up there without a kind word or a Piggly Wiggly store. No wonder they head our way the first chance they get but you’re right about them copying our manner of talking. It’s a dead give-away when they open their mouths, even after they’ve been here for a year or two. They just don’t understand that “you all” is two separate words and that “y’all” is singular while “all y’all” is plural. Makes me wonder what they’re teaching their kids in school.

Another thing they haven’t learned is that there is no way to fake our drawl. We’re born with it. It’s our heritage and we take it very seriously. We can spot false Southern accents a mile away, whether we hear it on the street or in a movie. However, I don’t think passing out speech pamphlets at welcome stations is a good idea. There’s enough Yankees down here already ─ they began arriving shortly after that recent unpleasantness between them and us, and they haven’t left yet so let’s not further encourage them.

We must continue to welcome them with our usual hospitality even if they never learn to add an “a” to the beginning of words, a “g” at the end, or allow the last word of a sentence to rise on a high note. Let’s not even mention our “sirs” and “ma’ams.” They wouldn’t understand that either.


Dear Bubba,

Today my husband brought home a black cat for me to replace one I lost last year. He carried in the carrier with air holes and said "Happy Valentines Honey", I was thrilled (not then knowing what it contained) and jumped for joy because I finally got something bigger than a card.

Bubba, I am writing because this female cat does not get along with the others in the household, she growls, bites, attacks my other babies, etc.

Hubby said that they don't know for sure if she is neutered but she is "front declawed". I am neutered, but not declawed, and how can I tell if she is also neutered? The other two cats are males and fixed. Does that mean that the new female cat is not neutered or is she just gay? She is suppose to be approximately 3 years old. Can you help me please.

Signed

Cat Lady from Cayuga


Dear Cat Lady,

Valentine’s gifts are not to be unappreciated regardless of their content. However, you are right to be upset because this new addition to the family is finding it hard to be comfortable in a cat house with only males for companionship. Hubby should have learned beforehand if she is neutered as well as front declawed. That is an important factor but your being neutered is a little more information than I need to know.

I have consulted with a catologist who assures me that if your new 3-year-old kitty growls, bites, and otherwise resists the attentions of the males, she probably has all her moving parts and is simply unhappy because the others do not. That is perfectly understandable. Gay cats, on the other hand, is apparently not a normal circumstance. My feline expert therefore suggests introducing her to a companion that is guaranteed to be, uh, naughty and in full possession of his natural parts. If a consummation is, uh, consummated, you can probably rule out any possible gayness on her part.